He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You don't make any sense
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