Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.