dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
