I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived