I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
