My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
