i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize
