Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
