I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
