i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
