and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My vagina is officially offended.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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