The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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