Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
