New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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