yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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