Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
