I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
