Betty ford says i'm here all night
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
