Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
