We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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