yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
