Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
