just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
