Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
