Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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