I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
