My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
