dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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