defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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