she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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