then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
