I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
