my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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