everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
NoShamevember. You game?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
