If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
