What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
