Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
