oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize