3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
