I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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