before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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