Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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