listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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