i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
