I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
