hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
