I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
