Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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