he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
