Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
