this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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