She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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