maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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