i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
