You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
