thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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