when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
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It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
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She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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