did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
