she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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