a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I puked a lego.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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