Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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